Whale Sharks Attack

PACIFIC OCEAN: Apparently pissed off at being characterized as seagoing oxymorons and suffering as laughingstocks among the shark community, numerous whale sharks have recently attacked swimmers expecting to meet the traditionally docile versions of the giant fish. Just this week, two divers were swallowed whole by a whale shark whose fin they grabbed for what their fellow divers characterized as "...the same thing you see divers doing all the time with whale sharks on Discovery."

Normally obvlivious to humans and other sea creatures around them, whale sharks have suddenly seemed to "want in" with the rest of their shark relatives, apparently eager to see what they've been missing relative to culinary exploits as well as notoriety. "Enough BS about how weird it is that we are friendly and interesting and act like giant amusement park rides", said one Rhincodon typus recently. "I'm about to bite me some diver ass". Other whale sharks seem to agree. "We're tired of those big tooth great white morons and ridiculous hammer heads getting all the attack highlight films. Even the damn stingrays get more props now after what happened with that croc dude", said a Rhincodon trailing an otherwise unsuspecting tourist last week.

Injuries suffered by divers - other than those that were swallowed - were minor, however, given the fact that whale sharks are filter feeders used to sifting thousands of gallons of water for zooplankton. One diver that recently escaped an attack with only bruises suffered after a good gumming and filtering attempt by a whale shark. Scientists believe, however, that it is only a matter of time before the whale sharks attempt other tactics, such as crashing into divers or sandwiching them between their huge bodies.