Tampa Bay Rays Exonerated in Mitchell Report

WASHINGTON, DC: Today's release of the Mitchell Report, which names 50 major league baseball players that have been implicated in the use of illegal or unapproved performance enhancing drugs like steroids or HGH, exonerated the entire Tampa Bay Rays team from inidctment or suspicion of the use of any sort of performance enhancing substances. "It's a great day for Tampa", said the Rays' general manager. "Our performance speaks for itself and our players are shining examples of the ability to play major league baseball without performance enhancing substances." Yankees GM Brian Cashman, who had Roger Clemens, Andy Pettite and other players named in the report, commented that "...Tampa is pretty lucky; we may have over 20 championships, but we're now stuck with the scourge of performance enhancing drugs."

Political humor break

Instead of disarming insurgents in Iraq, our friendly neighborhood "president" is busy disARMing dopey and in some cases, lying homeowners.

For more details on this, check out my Facebook group, "If you can't understand an ARM application, you shouldn't own a house."

Bill Clinton group to cut CO2 from NY housing...What a gas!

NEW YORK, Dec 7 (Reuters) - Former U.S. President Bill Clinton unveiled a plan on Friday to make New York's public housing environmentally friendly by joining government and business to trim greenhouse gas emissions and energy bills.

Under the initiative, staffers will feed residents only foods that generate a maximum methane quotient of <.002Mppl, ensuring that all emissions maintain a satisfactory level of cleanliness. Additionally, public housing families will only be able to take cold showers, which will also reduce energy consumption in such residences. Heat will be turned up only to a maximum of 55 degrees in winter and fans will be supplied during summer months, but only one per floor to conserve power.

"These families represent an opportunity to make a tiny but interesting difference in the fight to help ease global warming", said President Clinton. "While my house in Chappaqua will need to maintain a consistent winter temperature of 70 degrees and be air conditioned in summer months so that Hillary can continue her campaign and I can help my old pal Al, these families will surely be happy to help out those much better off than they are."

Contacted on his private jet, former Vice President and Nobel Laureate Al Gore noted that every little effort helps the planet. "If only there were some public housing up in the Arctic where the ozone is being depleted and the glaciers are melting. THEN we could make some progress," said Mr. Gore.