Marion's performance is tarnished; so are her medals

SALVO, North Carolina: Disgraced sprinter Marion Jones announced earlier today that she'd returned her ill-begotten medals from the 2000 Sydney Olympics. Sources stated that Ms. Jones asked her local postal authority for "...a small box with some newspaper for packing -- that would fit 5 medals, right? Do you have any tape?". However, IOC officials noted concern about the state of those medals, suggesting that perhaps a good degree of tarnish would have set in during the last 7 years. "We hope that while she's been injecting herself and using the Cream and the Clear, Ms. Jones has also been taking appropriate care of the Olympic medals. The rightful winners shouldn't have to polish them themselves." Ms. Jones would not comment on the state of the ribbons, though few of her friends believe that she's been wearing them around the last few years.