Lay'd out

July 5, Washington, DC: In a rare move, the SEC and the attorney general’s office have decided to go ahead with the sentencing and likely imprisonment of Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corp. Lay, found guilty of bilking the public out of billions of investment, salary, and other dollars during his misguided leadership of Enron, will meet (posthumously) with taxidermists later this week in an effort to make him presentable at sentencing within the next month. “We hope this sends a message to others that have been tried that even death can’t keep you from paying your due,” said a government official. Prison authorities have already begun work on creating a special cold cell for Lay’s body after his presumed 20+ year sentence is decided. Jeff Skilling, who had allegedly been contemplating a somewhat slower death due to ulcers and general malaise brought on by his years of fraud and his recent conviction, may now seek a longer life so that he can enjoy his years of solitude in penitentiary in a healthier manner. “Ken won’t get away by dying, so I guess it’s kind of stupid to keep running myself into the ground. Plus, those ulcers really hurt,” Skilling said to friends recently.