Searching for the notar republic (apologies to Angela)

Pretty soon, my family and I will no longer be summer homeless. We're closing on some property in Rhode Island and, assuming we can agree on a myriad of follow up activities (type of house, who will build it, when it will be built, etc.), we'll evolve from being landowners to being 2nd home owners. This is very exciting for a guy who, for years, could never understand the need to live in anything bigger than an apartment.

However, before this explosion of upper middle class bliss can occur, there's paperwork to be signed. It's actually quite shocking that any sort of complex process involving people, money, and paper - especially when those people aren't sitting right next to each other - can get done. Surprisingly, notwithstanding advances like "the Internet" and "electronic documents", I was able to find, procure, have approved, and receive a home equity line of credit AND signed contracts on our property within a 4 week timeframe. That is, everything was ready UNTIL...I realized I had to have my loan documents notarized.

There are people that could go their whole lives without having something notarized. Not to knock the notarial profession (I have known someone for years that is a notary, and she is quite an excellent person) , but as the guy said in the movie "Big", "I don't get it". Basically, the notary is a witness to your signing important documents and attesting to the fact that you are actually you and that you are actually signing the documents, presumably of your own free will and without duress. However, this person only needs to appear at the very last moment of a process that has involved the following:

1) 2 real estate agents
2) 3 sisters who owned property
3) my wife and me
4) 2 people at the lender to get the loan process flowing
5) an appraiser
6) roughly 100 pages of contracts FAXed, Fedexed, and UPSed around the country
7) numerous family members, friends, bankers, etc. who all "advised" us during the process

3 days ago, I received the last set of documents related to the above process. The lender was THRILLED to lend me all the money I wanted, and all I had to do was have my wife and I sign the document (note: the loan is in my name only, not to be able to keep my wife's hands off of it should she ever realize what a moron I am, but to expedite the current process; however, since she was lucky/unlucky enough to cosign our original mortage, she has to sign the new loan docs anyway!) and...have...it...notarized.

In my haste, I didn't see the requirement for notarization until AFTER I had asked my wife to sign in her spots so I could turn the document around quickly and send it back the next day. OOPS. I recall a scene from a sitcom - The King of Queens, maybe? - where Jerry Stiller, the dad, becomes a notary and goes nuts because he notarized a document WITHOUT ACTUALLY WITNESSING THE SIGNATURE. I quickly realize my error and set out to find a notary local to our home so that my wife and I can go sign or at least be present in person first thing in the morning.

Notaries are like air...invisible, yet around you all the time. There is no "notary store", but they seem to be planted everywhere, perhaps like the old Russian "sleeper" agents that are suddenly activated by a phone call from Gdansk and hit key government sites. So I do the 21st century thing - search the internet for a notary near me. I get a result that has a sort of Noto-Rooter, a 24-hour on call notary that comes to your door. Sounded a bit risky, and I could wait until the next morning. So where are the notaries? My wife figured it out - "They're in the banks, of course". Ah HAH - so THAT's why there are retail banks cropping up all over, 2 two every block in our towns...they're the outposts for the evil sleeper terrorist notary agents waiting to pounce, and what better way to overthrow our infrastructure then by giving them access to our MONEY?? Still, I needed the documents notarized, so I went with the plan.

There are no less than 10 banks within a 2-mile stretch of road that extends from Rye Brook to Rye proper. 2-3 of these are very new but epitomize the recent re-explosion of branch banking - they look like Pottery Barn or Ikea showrooms mixed with casinos, welcoming open spaces furnished in contemporary wood grains and fabrics with bright lights and engaging signs. "Come spend time with us!! Bring the kids!! Have some candy!! It's FUN to bank here!!" Nevermind that as the number of banks increase in town, they ruin the town's ability to draw in people to support the other retailers that may have been there for years (though are likely struggling to pay rents that only huge banking conglomerates can now afford). Soon, the only retail fronts left will be banks, restaurants, dry cleaners and Starbucks, though I see no reason why all these should not be combined (StarBank and Wash?).

So where are the notaries? The newest banks seemed a bit confused, though I received very gracious attempts at help from nice 800-number people. I was able to pinpoint a few locations, but between different opening times and uncertainty as to whether the actual notary might be in early in the morning, we decided to start driving to the banks and see what we could turn up the next morning. In our first attempt, the bank had a notary, but she was not yet in and would not be in for another 30 minutes (maybe...we received the list of reasons why she was late, which were nice, but not really important to us). The bank across the street wasn't yet open (though the first bank told us it would be - guess they got us, huh?). We decided to go across town to one of the *newer* banks since they were bound to have a notary. Sure enough, she was there (by the way, are there any male notaries?).

I'm smart enough to realize that the bank provides a service like this to - shudder - try and get me to do more stuff with them. I was firm in my resolve not to let this happen, however, since my savings are already strewn across numerous financial services entities. We sat down and confronted the first issue...what penalty must we endure for my wife's having signed the paper already? No worries...she merely had to sign a piece of note paper so that her signature could be witnessed and compared to the existing one (I was prepared to white out the signature, but that must be what the uncool notaries advise). We proceeded, me signing and the notary witnessing, until I had finished. It was then time for her perform the event for which she had been trained, for which she had surely been waiting breathlessly the entire morning: it was time for her to apply her seal to the document.

I saw this small inkstamp thing on the table. "Where's your shiny embosser?" I asked sheepishly? "Oh, we haven't used those in years. If you have one of THOSE, you must have been a notary FOREVER." ANYONE could get an inkstamp, though, I thought; you have to EARN an embosser and isn't that a bit more secure? Nonetheless, she stamped us and we were on our way...AFTER she made a pitch for her banks wonderful services by challenging the very financial instrument she was notarizing ("You got a line of credit? You know what the problem is with that?"). I did feel a bit weird given I had obtained the LOC from another bank, but if you advertise free notary services, you get what you get.

...which is about what the service is worth, especially given the move from paper embossing to ink stamping. Having someone watch me sign something is so yesterday, given the wonders of digital signatures, public key encryption, secure PDF documents, etc. Maybe an electronic notary can be created...someone that can pop up in a window, like a call center person on-line, and (digitally) "watch" you enter your digital signature ("Yes, that's your keystroking technique"). Or maybe a quick retinal scan will replace this whole thing someday ("Yes, those are your blood vessels and distinct iris patterns").

Now all I have to do is pay for everything, which ironically seems like it will be much easier than getting supporting documents notarized.