Wiggles' Loss is Jacko's Gain

CANBERRA and LOS ANGELES: Agents for The Wiggles, the incredibly popular Australian children's group, announced today that Jeff, the yellow Wiggle, would be leaving the group for health reasons (a rare heart condition unrelated to jaundice, which had been the assumption given his coloring). Hours after the announcement, representatives of former Pop superstar Michael Jackson told reporters that Michael would soon be trying out for the role in the band. "The role of 'Yellow' is perfect for Michael's skin tone and bright outlook on life," noted one of Jackson's staff. "Plus, kids the world over LOVE Michael and he loves them right back - it's a great match," continued the staffer. Mr. Jackson was unavailable for comment, though sources suggest that he was already considering negotiating a swap with Wiggle Jeff for the purple outfit.

The French Go Linux In An Effort To Work Less

PARIS: The French parliament announced that it would soon be switching from Microsoft-based server and desktop software in favor on Linux and open source alternatives in an attempt to maintain the levels of downtime to which it has become accustomed. "Why should we use software that doesn't fail and that keeps people at their desks working?", puzzled a French official. "Given the lack of desktop applications running on a Linux desktop, we can be sure that our staff will be free to leave their offices by 3:00PM every day." Officials also praised the fickle nature of open source alternatives to proprietary applications to run businesses, noting that the degree of uncertainty over upgrades and integration of modified code to applications would minimize the effectiveness of users across the country, guaranteeing less than a 35-hour work week.

Affection Starved Michelle Wie Targets Men's Tour

KOCHI, Japan: Heading into another men's golf tournament in which she will allegedly play to make the cut and attempt to "win", Michelle Wie admitted that not only would she be even more of a fixture on the men's tour, but also that this is largely an attempt by her to plan for a future of wedded bliss and financial comfort. "Where else can I meet guys that make a decent buck?", Wie asked rhetorically. "I mean, only weird guys hang out at the women's tour, I don't attend classes at any school much, and forget the clubs in most tour cities." Despite the fact that Wie has yet to make the cut in any men's match, she noted that the week or so surrounding the events were great for "...mingling and mixing it up with guys that think like I do and like what I like."

Those on the women's tour were less sanguine about Ms. Wie's future. Several of the women professionals, some of whom transport their families on tour each week, snickered when they heard of Wie's real ambitions. "You know, screw her!", said one golfer who requested anonymity. "At this point, even if she COULD bring more money to the ladies' tour, who needs her big gawky self stomping around the course? She's never gonna win a tournament anyway." Sponsors, however, were more positive, with several noting potential future opportunities for sponsored dating excursions, engagements, weddings, possible reality shows and other vehicles for Ms. Wie.

Church Says It Could Do Without Elton John, Too

LONDON: After Elton John made comments today stating that the world would be better off without religion and that religious groups have essentially done nothing to enhace relationships with gays and other groups, The Vatican officially noted that it didn't really need Elton John, either. "Besides, what's he done after 'Benny and the Jets' that was that good, anyway?" asked Archbishop Luigi Rotelli. "His best days are past and other than a concert here and there, who really cares what he has to say, the poofdah," continued Rotelli, using a colloquial UK slang expression for "gay person". The church also stated that Mr. John could pretty much forget about absolution - "He'd pretty much used up his chits in that department, anyway", said Vatican officials - and consigned him to eternal damnation for good measure.

Republican Planning Dealt Another Blow By Rumsfeld

WASHINGTON: In yet another stunning example of ineffective and inept Republican planning, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced his resignation today...at least two weeks later than necessary to avoid Democratic sweeps of the House and Senate, according to White House officials. President George W. Bush was heard to swear and exclaim that "Rummy was wrong AGAIN, dammit! He should have resigned weeks ago when it could have made a difference. Now that #@&$@$ Nancy Pelosi gets to do her stupid victory dance AGAIN!" Rumsfeld also reportedly stepped down as a result of an incorrect assumption that the newly elected Democratic House and Senate would put him to death over his somewhat cavalier and misguided handling of the unecessary war in Iraq. Political reactions were generally gleeful except for the President. Re-elected Governor Arnold Schwarzennegger even quipped that it was long past time for Rumsfeld to "...get OUT".

I Beat Lance Armstrong...So What??

[Author's note: I ran 2:56:00 at the NYC Marathon on November 5th]

I wasn't going to create an entry about my NYC Marathon result from last Sunday, but after hearing "You beat Lance!" from EVERY single person I talked to about it, I feel the need to post. Basically, I don't care ONE BIT that I beat Lance. I may be the only one that feels this way, but that's the way it is.

Here's my thought process: my race, and for most of us, the marathon in general, is about personal performance and achieving a personal goal. Sure, many people race the marathon, and after all, it is a race (14 years ago as a competitive runner, I did RACE the Yonkers Marathon), but for most people, it's a race against themselves and the desire to finish in a particular time. My goal was a time goal: ideally, I'd run a 2:50. Realistically, I figured I could do 2:55. I figured I'd finish somewhere in between that and be quite happy, especially since I'd only focused my training on the marathon since October 1 (the end of my triathlon season). Regardless, I didn't care about anyone else in the race, including Mr. Armstrong. My focus was on hitting my times and achieving the 2:50-2:55 time goal.

I ran the race. I was on 2:50 pace for roughly 22 miles, but the wheels had already started to come off by 19 miles. The last 4-5 miles were a struggle to keep my legs moving at the same (or any) cadence and to not stop. But because of the pace I was on, I never saw Lance Armstrong. Turns out that between my fade and the fairly strong finish he was able to maintain, I was only 3:30 or so ahead of him by the end. But I couldn't have been farther from caring before, during or after the race. For me, by 24, I was thrilled simply to know I'd finish and finish close to what I'd expected to hit.

I would also say that I'm VERY impressed with Lance's performance, though I'm not sure what one would expect from such a driven athlete. The guy never ran more than 16 miles, apparently, had shin splints (common among those building distance/running effort too quickly) and yet broke 3 hours in his first try at the distance. Aerobically, the guy is obviously a freak; but pounding the pavement for 3 hours is very different from what he's been doing with his body for many years. He also has to have quite a pain threshold to finish the race as he did.

The big question would have been what I would do if it turned out that Lance was near me at the finish. As a competitor, the answer to me (and perhaps to him) is obvious - I'd sprint for everything I was worth. Maybe I don't care about beating Lance, but after about 3 hours of work, I'll be damned if I'm going to be beaten by Lance.

Air Force Confuses Cyberspace with Actual Space

WASHINGTON: Today, the Air Force announced that it would establish a new Cyberspace command (http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20061102/tc_nm/arms_cyberspace_dc_3) out of Barksdale AFB in Louisiana. Its mission would presumably be to guard said cyberspace against the "Axis of Evil" and other "evildoers" as our government's leadership has characterized enemies in the recent past. However, it appears that the Air Force has gotten its signals crossed and is unaware that cyberspace is, in fact, not "real" space and that planes, rockets, missiles, etc. really have no effect on identity theft, web based communications, or other potential issues that occur on the Internet.

Air Force Secretary Michael Wynne noted that "...The threat is that a foe can mass forces that weaken the network that supports our operations." Still, Secretary Wynne seemed stymied when told that foes would not simply show up in cyberspace with tanks, guns, planes and traditional armaments to do battle. Indeed, when told that cybercrimes are typically undertaken by "hackers" that wage their wars from PC screens, Secretary Wynne asked the leader of the new command, Lt. Gen. Robert Elder, if this were actually true and if so, how his fleet of bombers and air-to-air missiles could possibly have an effect. Lt. General Elder quickly asked his staff to research the term "hacker" and sent a message to the Joint Chiefs asking if anyone else had encountered these foes within their commands.

Secretary Wynne also held out the option of attaching the Navy and Special Forces to the issues in cyberspace, noting that perhaps the SEALs or Rangers would be better equipped to venture into it.

Tom Cruise and MGM Form New UA

HOLLYWOOD: Substantiating rumors that he is not persona non grata with the major studios, Tom Cruise has effectively been given a push to create his own studio: UA, packaged as a relaunch of the United Artists studio to the pubic but translated to "Unmarketable Artist" in LA circles (though the "A" has also been translated to other, less savory words as well). On the heels of a year that saw Cruise jump on Oprah's couch, defiantly support Scientology and fail miserably in MI:3, MGM felt that this course was the best for all parties. "We're sure that Tom still appeals to someone, somewhere", said a studio exec familiar with the deal. "But until we can turn those dwindling numbers into some real dollars, it's time to give Tom a bit more distance from us".

Cruise's appeal has been on the downswing ever since Jerry Maguire. Notwithstanding the flash of the first two MIs, the lightening of his hair in Collateral and other attempts at regaining the stardom he had way back when he was singing in his underwear, stardom seems to finally be passing Mr. Cruise by. However, Cruise feels that by going on on his own, "I'll get to make movies that REALLY appeal to the public". Just which public is anyone's guess.

How USA Today Destroyed the World

How USA Today Destroyed the World

USA Today came on the scene with “McNews” – graphic images, color codes, and news chunks. Instead of the New York Times or The Wall Street Journal, the public, in particular the traveling public, is treated to all the news you can possibly digest in about 30 seconds, identified by primary colors.

CNN (and others over time) came up with news bites, short videos and continual images that must be refreshed and renewed constantly to make up for the boredom usually associated with a 24 hour news channel. Part of the result is the airing – nationally – of ANYTHING that could shock ANYONE and the basic sensationalization of even basic (or uninteresting) news items.

CNN again (and MSNBC and FOX and…): a crawl is added to the bottom of the screen image, further reducing news and information to roughly a 40 character summarization that skips most, if not all, the color from any issue.

Mobile communications via SMS – or “texting” as it is known – is the final nail in the coffin of the erudite. Given a 160-character limit, the visible user interface of a tiny screen on a mobile phone or PDA and the typing challenge of either a phone keypad of extremely miniaturized QWERTY keyboard, texting has reduced conversation to little more than a stream of consonants that barely resemble proper speech, let alone spelling and grammar. While “c u l8r” may be expedient from a mobile perspective, it doesn’t convey emotion, conviction, style or any other characteristic one might like to have when conversing.

Is it any wonder that elections and other important events or happenstances that require some amount of thought are won or lost today largely due to minute, fleeting phrases or gestures that happen to be captured by the ever abundant microphones, cameras, etc. that are out there? Why are we surprised when John Kerry, who has the unfortunate disease of being too intellectual and therefore subject to using compound sentences, makes a small faux pas telling a joke and is vilified for the errant phrase without a clear understanding of the original intent? And that his arch nemesis, the President, who subsists on and is marketed almost entirely with sound bites, zeroes in immediately on the small set of words and transforms Kerry into the Devil, and many Americans actually are willing to buy into this?

Every year, our country is spending less time thinking through facts and issues and more time simply reacting. It’s why elections aren’t being won not so much on character, but by characters.

PayPal spammers jolted by explosion at PayPal HQ

SAN FRANCISCO: Earlier today, an explosive device of unknown origin broke a window at PayPal headquarters. In an immediate attempt to take advantage of the event, numerous scam artists known to be fake PayPal spammers called authorities to say that their offices also had been compromised. "Hey, man - a b*mb went off in front of my w&nd*w", said Omar Yotifa, a Nigerian businessman with claimed ties to PayPal. Michael Smithson of Newark, Delaware also noted that "...there was this big expl$si^N outside that broke all the gl*ss in my h#us*!" Authorities have no leads on either the real or spam-based explosions, but those with any information are urged to send their social security number, credit card and CVN numbers and home phones to www.imaschmuck.com.

Kerry Apologizes...sort of

So here's the crux of the major election issue of the last two days (courtesy Yahoo news):

While campaigning in California on Monday, Kerry told a college crowd: "You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq."

Kerry's office said the senator had misread his prepared remarks. They said he had intended to say, "Do you know where you end up if you don't study, if you aren't smart, if you're intellectually lazy? You end up getting us stuck in a war in Iraq. Just ask
President Bush'.

So on the Imus show this morning, Kerry apologized...for telling the joke wrong (which really is what he SHOULD be apologizing for even as he should tell servicemen and servicewomen everywhere that they aren't stupid and are smart enough to know when someone IS calling them stupid. After all, Kerry was a serviceman himself -- remember the swift boat crap? Guess he's still not the swiftest of the swift boaties, but anyway...

This whole apology could be shortened to the following:

Kerry: I didn't say that those in the military are stupid...I said that Bush is stupid for getting the military into this predicament.
White House/Republicans: Tell the President and everyone else you're sorry.
Kerry: I'm sorry that George Bush is stupid.

Somewhere, Nancy Pelosi is ripping out her nicely tweezed eyebrows and other Democrats are plotting a way to make Kerry disappear for about 2 years and a week.

Who's More Stupid?

Following is a short quiz on this last day prior to elections.

Multiple choice question: Who is more stupid -

a) George Bush
b) John Kerry
c) The American Public
(I'm tempted to add "(d) Rush Limbaugh", but I wanted this to be a bit more difficult)

This is actually a trick question with a conditional result. Basically, the answer will be "c" if the public is drawn into and distracted by the combination of a bone headed faux pas by John Kerry and the lightning quick rebuttal by Bush and friends (a much faster turn of events for Bush then, say, deciding what to do on the morning of 9/11 during the attacks, but I digress). Not only is John Kerry stupid for making the mistake in his speech - essentially calling soldiers "stupid" for being soldiers instead of calling Bush "stupid" for sending soldiers to Iraq - but in its desire to find ANYTHING to rally Americans to the side of the heavily dented Republican machine, the administration is now shouting more loudly than ever about this particular situation.

One hopes that the public, particulary the vast majority of voters who apparently take nearly every comment, circumstance, event, etc. at face value, is smart enough to ignore this and not ascribe the focus and intent of the rest of the democratic party to Mr. Kerry's thoughts. John Kerry should basically be considered radioactive in his own party and avoided like the potential dirty bomb that his is; things were going just fine, thank you, until he had to make his mistake and give Bush and friends what the sports world calls "bulletin board fodder" the day before elections. What a total moron.

Personally, I still pick "a" as the answer to the question, but I'm certainly being given a run for my money.